Screams and Fears.

Halloween was just yesterday. People pretend to be who they aren’t. It’s a quite interesting holiday really. People talk about their fears as they prance about in the middle of the night or watch scary movies.

For a person with extreme anxiety, fears are something to be faced every single day.

“But you don’t seem like that type, you’re always going for it. It seems like you’re fearless. Are you sure you aren’t saying that for attention?”

My chest pumps and my head feels like my brain is trying to burst out of my skull. I have too many fears to count but I try to stay strong. The fear of people not liking me, the fear of being severely judged at the beach, the fear of someone taking advantage of the fact that I enjoy to go explore by myself, the fear of the unknown, and the fear of fear itself paralyzing my every action and thought is something familiar to me.

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It may seem like I’m a wreck with all of these underlying fears and I should just “stay strong”. Yes, I do stay strong. On the outside, I seem like that confident girl who has everything under control. I have spoken to crowds of over 500 people just fine. Underneath my facade however, I’m absolutely terrified but relieved once it’s over.

I make myself talk to large crowds even though I’m an outgoing introvert talking to so many different people, because I face my fears. It’s good to have fears because they remind us that we’re imperfect human beings and that’s perfectly fine. It’s fine to admit your fears.

I said above that for a person with extreme anxiety, fears are something to be faced every single day. It’s absolutely true. I’ll give you a little insight here.

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I have anxiety or panic attacks. It’s scary because you can’t breathe. You try to scream and nothing comes out. Me having panic or anxiety attacks is why I’m so particular about the subject of fears. Most of the time, my attacks are fueled my fear. I stop them because I fight to face my fears because I’m stronger than my fears. You are stronger than your fears.

It’s okay to be scared. It’s a natural part of life. The problem is that we can’t let fears get to us to the point where we can’t handle life. Yes, I get extremely scared and it makes me worry for hours. I can’t let fear consume me however, to give up and never face the fear itself. When I say I truly face my fears everyday, I mean it. This is my message, a young girl who suffers from anxiety or panic attacks every so often, but who still manage to force myself to face my fears and keep a confident expression because I don’t absolutely ever want fears to define who I am as a person. How you deal with fears is a vital part as to who you are as a person.

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Breathe

Breathing is a natural phenomenon for us. Even when we’re asleep, we’re breathing. What may seem like an uninteresting aspect of life, is actually truly important to me.

Life is difficult, I’m pretty sure we can all agree that life is difficult. Life will make us cry, smile, laugh, and hurt. I would go through the days motivating myself that what was going to happen in the future is amazing and that I need to work through to achieve my wonderful future. I would accumulate all the stress from school, extracurricular activities, family, and other parts of my life. I would just push through all the stress and sleepless nights. I would sometimes get stressed out to the point where I want to cry so badly but I don’t, because if I cried, it would take time away from finishing my work. I would take a deep breathe and blast that music so that I could continue.

I’ve dealt with several panic attacks before and I can tell you, it feels like someone is choking the air out of you. Some of the panic attacks have been due to family issues, some random, and some due to an irrational fear that still presides over me. My worst fear is that a panic attack will be so great that I can’t breathe and I’ll black out.

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I was close once. I’ve never told anyone that full story, it still brings me great fear until this very day. I was on top of the exposed seventh floor stairs, by the way, I have a lovely fear of heights as well. I had consecutive nightmares that I was going to get kidnapped on my visit to this campus. It didn’t help when I heard footsteps approaching me. For something that seems so easy, breathing was so difficult. Someone was clawing and slashing at my chest and I could do nothing as I felt the bomb of my chest about to erupt. I was alone in that moment and the panic attack stopped in an unclear moment. I turned around to see no one in the vacant parking lot.

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Breathe, in and out. Breathe in the wonderful aspects of life and breathe out the worst parts of life. Breathe to relax yourself. Breathe to take on all the obstacles of life. Breathe to continue to your wonderful future. Breathe to live life. No, breathe to truly live life to the fullest.

Hello, My Name Is…

When someone you’ve never met before says hello to you, what do you say after hello or the exchange of names? Or are you the person who says hello in the first place? For different personality types, the response will always be different. For me, it depends on the situation, surrounding, and circumstances.

I don’t have a “usual” attitude except for the core of my personality. I usually confuse a lot of people with that statement, let me explain. I will always have my morals and beliefs without a doubt, but the way I display that to other people can change very quickly. I’ve always known that I was weird and crazy unique, those personality tests have always reinforced to me that I was strange and people would misunderstand me.

I am labeled as the cold girl, the girl without any feelings, the strange one, and the fake one. The fake one. I can understand the assumptions with the other names but I’ve always been heated when I hear “the fake one”. These are people who have just seen me or had conversations about the weekend. They don’t know me. They don’t know what I worry about, what I do with my free time, when I sleep, what I like, but more importantly, who I am as a person.

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All of the times of being misunderstood in the past has shaped me into the person I am today. Whether you think it is for the better or worse, that’s up to you to decide, but I won’t necessarily take it to heart. I have social anxiety to a degree, I think almost obsessively about everything I want to say and what I actually say. I get extremely nervous in front of people, even classmates. Except I’m a great masker of feelings, typical of introverts. But that’s unlike outgoing introverts, which is actually my personality in a general sense. My personality now is an outgoing introvert that constantly hops the line between my actual feelings and the veil of my image. My image doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s fake. My image is covering what my actual feelings are like, but my image is still a part of me. All of these little idiosyncrasies make up me and I would never change the way I am to satisfy others.

I don’t get labeled as the fake one as often anymore, but it’s not like it doesn’t ever happen. I’ve learn that people will misunderstand me, but it’s the people who stick around to figure out who I really am, that matter to me. Whatever that mean girl said to you in the hallway, don’t let it get to you because at the end of the day, she’s just making an assumption. She doesn’t know you and it’s her loss, because you’re an amazing person. Why am I complimenting you even though I don’t know you whether you’re a guy or girl? I’ve felt the extreme pain of being misunderstood and keeping in my feelings in a tight bound, so I’m considerate and caring of others who may be feeling the same way. So that’s me, my weird personality that consists of my image and my feelings. Hello, my name is…

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